Ok, this started as basically me in the shower the next morning, thinking about how if buried for 2000 years Jack’s clothes held up well. I was planning on writing something lighter, a bit like the Doctor Who thing, but it got a little deep and probably pompous. Full of spoilers.
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Negatives:

1. The guy playing Grey couldn’t act for shit. And for such a pivotal role that really sucked. He was playing a guy pushed over the edge by abandonment, rage and torture and I just felt nothing, it was too wooden, too much like someone reading through lines.

2. Jack gets buried alive for 2000 years, really liked the concept and I will get to that in my positive list, but first a couple of comments. First, the bitchy one. 2000 years in a hole in the ground and his clothes were all in one piece, I don’t think so (and no this isn’t about me wishing to see more of naked!Jack). Now I know, maybe they gave him clothes when they unearthed him and just never showed it on screen, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter but still. The second one is a little less bitchy. You get buried in a hole by your brother, who you thought you’d lost forever, who when you are finally reunited with blames you for every horrendous thing he lived through, died and forced back to life countless times over the centuries and when they finally pull you free, you are not only coherent but able to make sensible complicated decisions on what needs to occur, again I say, with my bigger emphasis, I don’t think so. Ok, story, plot, 40 minutes, I get it, I would have just liked to seen a little more struggle, a little more effect on Jack of the experience.

Meh, could have been better:

Weevils. For those that don’t know Weevils are like the resident aliens/demons, and of course if you don’t know that then you probably aren’t reading me rabbitting on about a Torchwood episode. They often play a small part in the episodes and I’m ok with that, but in this one they just ended up annoying me, it was like, yeah weevils moving right along. And whilst I’m at it, it’s sort of been established that weevils are pack animals with little ability to communicate or be communicated with, so how does Grey or John, or whoever it was convince four weevils to target the main officers at the police station. It was just a little too easy and it made me go.. meh.

Positives:

1. I love Torchwood, but for the record I am a much bigger Doctor Who fan. This is to take nothing away from Torchwood, but simply if I had to choose only one to watch it would be Doctor Who. So as a complete and utter self-proclaimed fangirl, when I see consistency and fandom crossover between the shows I do get a little gushy. The first things are pretty much just basic nods to them being in the same verse. The alien Owen fought in the hospital was a Hoix, this is the same one that Rose and the Doctor fought with the whole running, red bucket, blue bucket, gag in Love and Monsters. The cynic amongst us could just say it saves on having to create a new costume, but I say, costume? Those aliens are real don’t you know.

Space Pig! So yes, it’s been confirmed it was Tosh that was in London when the Slitheen tried to destroy the world. I know there has been some debate about this, especially since that woman appeared to be a doctor and Tosh isn’t one. So now we find out why. She was covering for Owen, too hung over to go. Probably a good thing because I think Owen might have just punched the Doctor. But I just loved that they mentioned this.

For me, the biggest connection to Doctor Who was the whole, I forgive you stuff. My reading of Doctor Who’s Last of the Time Lords, was both Jack and Martha struggled with the readiness of the Doctor to try to save the Master. This was the man that not only decimated the population, was about to wage a war that would make the whole universe burn, but also on a more personal, and therefore more devastating level had inflicted so much cruelty and pain on them and on Martha’s family. So when at the end of all that, the Doctor cradles him first to offer forgiveness, and then later in the pain and grief of watching him die, I feel both Jack and Martha, perhaps for different reasons, felt betrayed and confused by the man they had so much trust and respect for.

Ok, so I know this is about Torchwood not Doctor Who, so I’ll get to my point. When Jack is pulled from his status pod, the first thing he says to Grey is “I forgive you”. The echo is clear there. Then there is the confrontation. Jack gives forgiveness to his brother for the crimes he committed in his hatred and insanity, and seeks forgiveness in return for not being able to keep his brother safe. His brother refuses, he will not forgive Jack. I believe this is his choice, not just that he’s so fucking screwed he can’t forgive. To me, it is the same as the Master refusing to save himself, refusing to regenerate because he would have to be with the Doctor. That was the Master twisting the knife, just as Grey twisted it in his refusal. In the end Jack can not kill his brother, even if on some level he knows it’s the best, and probably safest option, and again this echoes a lot of what the Doctor did when confronted with the Master, he constantly refused the option of killing the Master, even when at the end it was the Master that was choosing death.

I believe as a slasher of Jack and the Doctor, and as someone that thinks far too much about a couple of television programmes that Jack finally understood more about what the Doctor was feeling, what decisions he had to make, and how when it all goes wrong just how devastating that is to one’s soul.

2. Captian John Hart. Ok for me, he’s Spike, or at least Spike before Joss destroyed Spike turning him into little more than a joke. I loved him in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but loved him more in this. There were hints in the first episode that he wasn’t just a one dimensional bad guy. And since I knew he was returning at some point, I figured that there would be more character development. They didn’t, in my opinion, take the easy route and turn him into a nice guy. He’s still snarky, you still aren’t sure you can trust him, he’s still got that evil twinkle, bad boy thing going on. But you do end up seeing more, knowing more about him.

Jack’s rejection of John is poignant here. And excuse me if I flick back to Doctor Who here for a bit. When we meet Jack, he makes it clear he’s out to con the Time Agency, not just for money, but rather because it’s the only way he can think of to enact some revenge for what they did to him. He carried, and perhaps still carries a lot of anger and resentment towards to Agency. It was while working for the Time Agency that he met John, it is the backdrop to their relationship. His rejection of John is due to a lot of things (high on the list is probably that John keeps trying to murder him), but I believe the connection John has to the Time Agency and Jack’s past is one of those reasons.

Jack rejects him again, he chooses his new life, the new people in his life over John. But it’s more than just Jack wanting to move on, its also that in doing so Jack wipes everything he had with John away. The people he chooses over John don’t have any clue of the parts of Jack’s past that connect him to John. It is therefore more than I do not want to be with you anymore, it is, I do not want there to be any trace of it left in my life. He destroys not just the relationship but the whole history/memory of it, and that must be devastating to John.

When John tells Jack he loves him I believe it. It could be a throw away line, a joke, but for me it is a lot about John’s emotions at this time. In the end he is also faced with the choice of forgiveness, of whether to hold onto his anger and resentment and live in that place or be something more. It also explains why after it all he swapped allegiances. Ok, part of that might have to do with originally he had a high explosive grafted to his wrist, but still. Love isn’t enough, love doesn’t turn him into a saint or even someone terribly honest or morale, but it does influence his choice, and perhaps allow him to make those choices.

A few of my friends (waves to Gina and Eric) have said that it would be really call if in Season Three John joined the team but I am really hoping they don’t do that. John isn’t a team player, and for him to be a member of the team he would have to become someone they could trust, there would have to be a lot of changes to John’s nature, and also, after blowing up half the city and being a part of Jack’s kidnap, well there’s just too much baggage there. I don’t want John cleaned up and sanitised because he ended up doing the right thing. I want John to remain a bit of a bastard, someone you are never sure about, someone whose motives you question. This can’t happen and make him someone that could fight into Torchwood. The Torchwood team survive because they can rely on each other, because they know, even when personal issues occur and things go wrong, that they have each others back. So yes, a recurring role would be cool, but for him to join would end up robbing the aspects that make John so damn perfect.

3. Rhys. When the show started they set up Gwen as the human face of Torchwood. And in some ways she still is, just like in some ways she’s annoying, self-absorbed and has too high an opinion of herself. And no, I don’t actually hate Gwen, all the characters of Torchwood have aspects about them that I don’t particular like, but that’s part of human nature really. But over the arch of this series Rhys has become, to me, the human heart of the story.

Perhaps this is because he doesn’t actually work at Torchwood. I do not believe that someone can do that sort of work, see the things they see, have to do the things they do without hardening themselves to it in some way. Because Rhys knows about Torchwood and aliens and the world almost ending on a weekly basis but still is able to stay outside it he can see things from a more human (for the lack of a better word) viewpoint. He hasn’t become so entrenched in it.

4. Ok, the big thing about it. The Death of Tosh and Owen. To me, this is one event. That doesn’t diminish either character or their death, but the way it played out, their deaths were a joint affair. This was their date, their happy ever after. Alright that might sound strange but let me see if I can explain. Tosh it seems has always been in love with Owen from the moment he joined Torchwood four years ago. There were some slight hints in that, but it was overshadowed, mostly with Owen and Gwen’s story line. For Owen he did not become aware of that until after he died (the first time). There could be some hint of the possibility of Owen’s feelings towards Tosh becoming more than friendship in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but life got away from them, and nothing ever happened. They never had the time, the space to connect until they were both dying, separate but together. It is in that moment that they do connect amongst all the chaos and tragedy they are able to have their quiet moment of love.But the good thing about this for all the heart-wrenching emotion they didn’t take the easy approach. It would have ruined everything if there had been some undying proclamation of love. What made it so special was that they found peace in each other, that their relationship was there, shining through.

Owen, quite understandably totally freaked out when he found out he would be dying again, for good this time. Yes, he hated living as a dead person, but faced with the destruction of his body he didn’t want to let go. He was panicked and scared and felt very alone. Owen is someone that uses his anger to deal with his emotions, he doesn’t pull in on himself, he rages. He did this many times, and at this time he did it again. It was Tosh, and I believe only Tosh that could have calmed him. But it wasn’t her telling him to be calm that did it, when she tried that it just made him rage more. It was those soft spoken words, that even now make me cry to think about it. Supposedly the whole scene of her talking to Owen while he raged was shot in one take, and perhaps that is why the emotion felt so real and raw. When he’s screaming at her, demanding to know why he should be calm, it isn’t until he hears how much it is destroying her to listen that stops him. He stops for her, even as his death approaches it is his caring, his love for Tosh that gets through all the rage.

He doesn’t know that Tosh is dying as well. She never told him. At first I think because she thought he would live, that he had so much to do, and did not want her own impending death to disrupt that. This is a thing about Tosh, she often puts her own needs last. It is one of the things I used to want to slap her about. But in doing so in this episode it stayed true to her character and made the scene even more haunting. She is lying there bleeding to death, knowing her life is over and all her focus is on saving the world or at least Cardiff and then comforting and supporting Owen, so he doesn’t get to die alone. And I believe, Owen wanted to comfort her, wanted her to not have to live with the memory of his last moments being filled with rage and regret. In the end he tells her that it is ok, that in the end he is ready, and she helped him to face his death.

I believe Owen had to die by the end of the season. There were always some issues with me about dead!Owen. Without air how can he talk? And if the blood isn’t being pumped around his body shouldn’t it pool in places and bruise? I’m not a doctor or anything, but there were just niggly things with me. But aside from my nitpicking, Owen being an active member of Torchwood will mean he would get hurt. This is a dangerous job, bones get broken, people get sliced up and shot. Owen can not heal, and eventually that would catch up on him. Plus I don’t think its fair, I don’t think Jack should have brought him back, not that he knew this was going to happen, but still it created a life of unliving for Owen. The guy couldn’t sleep, eat, drink, have sex, and it seemed he couldn’t even feel things. Jack might hate he can’t die, but he still gets to experiencing living, Owen becomes the outsider to life, only being able to watch others. The funny thing is in the first season I really disliked Owen. He irritated me. I couldn’t feel connected to him at all. Somehow that changed in this season. More of Owen’s character was shown, he was still a smart arse, still callous at times, but there was something interesting about him, more of his depth. I came to love Owen, just to have him die. Bastards.

Tosh. I had heard Tosh died before I watched this. It made sense to me that if a character died it would be her. There wasn’t much character development on Tosh. What was shown of her was hidden in the background a lot. She was smart, and loyal, and although I liked her, as a character she was lacking any real development. The same could probably be said about Ianto, but I have some really strong theories about Ianto, and anyway, can’t have him die who would Jack shag then, ok, its Jack, he’d find someone.

Tosh’s final death scene was probably the one that got to me the most, it was so simple and intimate. In the end it was a moment between Tosh and Jack. Gwen, there trying to fix things as she would, trying to keep Tosh alive and focused, but Jack, he was just able to hold her, to let her say what she needed, even if that was without words. Jack’s lived hundred’s of years, thousands if you could the two thousand buried under the earth. He’s seen death and understands it. He might not accept it, doesn’t just give into it, but I believe he knows death is part of this life. There is a thing about Torchwood, the work they do, death comes early for these people, it always will. All except Jack, and I think he often feels guilty about that, and that guilt drives him to bad decisions. Using the glove on Owen, and trying to protect Gwen from the reality of their world, are two examples. But I do believe the incident with Owen taught him something, that in the end, you just have to be there for the person, to hold them so they don’t die alone. He gave that to Tosh.

There is a connection for me that between the soft smile she gives to Jack and her message at the end, when she thanks Jack. We found in the previous episode that Tosh was held without trial, a Guantanamo Bay sort of situation and it was Jack that freed her from that. Although she was never free, he basically owned her, was her captor. She willingly gave him five years, which as it turned out was her last five years. But I think he gave her more than that, he gave her challenges and a life, he gave her something to feel confident and proud of. She thanked him in the end, because I believe for her Jack saved her, not just from the prison but from the life she had found her in. And the emotion between them was deafening. There was Gwen in the background, but it was all about that moment. There wasn’t the screaming over the body. I still stand by my belief that on Doctor Who and Torchwood, they do death well. There of course exceptions to that, but when it comes to it being an important character or moment it is played out with dignity and enough realism.

I am hearing all sorts of bad rumours about season three. There is talk that they will sanitise it, make it child friendly. God please no. I heard that Jack won’t be back, and I can’t see it working. This show needs Jack, it’s built around it. I think if Jack leaves it will be like the X-Files when Mulder left, it just won’t work. I will just sit and hope and wait and go all geeky over Doctor Who in the meantime.

Getting spammed like crazy.. bastards

don’t know how to hide this behind a cut, so if your a Who fan and haven’t seen it there are spoilers all over the place

Ok because I am such a fan geek and have been squee-ing like crazy, here’s my doctor who review. Spoilers galore in case you haven’t seen it.

Really not sure what I think of the new theme tune, its still enough Doctor who to not upset me, but its just not as good.

Oh look there he is, brown coat and all, although not wearing my favourite red sneakers.

Ok Donna, first scene and I love her… love the whole mirroring thing with the Doctor.

Now I know I shouldn’t, but god, if only those pills actually worked, I wouldn’t mind giving birth to fat creatures if they didn’t just kill you, one kilo a night.

Health and Safety.. film department, god I’m chuckling, but then I’m weird that way.

When I heard Donna was coming back, I was worried because she was a bit thick in Runaway Bride, loved her spirit but not her stupidity, it seems they have shown her grow, into someone strong and intelligent, keeping her good qualities, but no longer someone who has no idea of anything but pop-culture and trashy mags.

OK telephone woman hitting on the doctor, and his adorable awkwardness. And I so love his face when he has to go back to ask for the print out. Its that cheeky adorable geekyness about him.

He knows something is going on, and it seems so does Donna. Cat flaps, although nod to old episodes, and the whole “I’ve met Cat people and you’re nothing like them.” Yes I am now back in geeky Doctor who fan mode.

Necklace, does it make fat creatures come forth, is Donna doing it by playing with the capsule? Must be.

Oh look, dinky Doctor gadget, I love it that all his gadgets look so hand made and a little on the held together by string and spit.

Adipose are so damn cute, I want one. They are just adorable and since unlike the hints they aren’t evil take over the world fat creatures, I really do want one.

Oh intense Doctor with gadget, oops gadget not working, so yes, smack it about, not like shiny science fiction, this stuff if it isn’t working you smack it until it does.. just like us regular folk.

Ok for the record so I have said it, the Doctor is just so damn cute.

Ok, another dysfunctional family, not sure I like that, but then I know how Donna must be like, her mother going off, rubbishing her life and that whole tuning out thing.

OH Gramps, it’s the guy from Voyage of the Damned, god I love him. I love the relationship between him and Donna, its perfect, you can see the love between them. I love that he knows, but doesn’t know, that he’s aware things are going on, but that Donna won’t tell him. I also hope that they stay true to this, that she isn’t after him because she’s in love, but because he showed her there is more to life. I love that her Grandfather encourages her to keep looking, keep searching. I so hope he comes back into the show.

Aww, sad Doctor, realising he’s alone in the TARDIS, that there is no one to talk to, and just stands there, in silence, in the emptiness of it all. The Doctor shouldn’t be alone, it’s a recurring theme but yes its so true.

God they must hate that he keeps blowing the lock on that same door *chuckle*

9 hours hiding in a closet.. is that subtext there Doctor, trying to tell us you miss Jack.. ok, maybe that’s just my wishful thinking.

I figured there would be someone else in there, just didn’t think it would be the annoying journalist woman. No idea why I didn’t like her, but I really didn’t.

This is probably the best scene in the whole episode, when they see each other through the windows, on each side of the building. The whole conversation in lip reading and miming. The Doctor says “hell” but then since you don’t hear it I suppose it doesn’t count as swearing. Although Martha said Doctor Who’s first “bloody” last season. They are adorable together, the chemistry is so obvious. And the ending with the “we interrupting you” god I almost snorted my coffee. This is what I want from the Doctor and his companion, what was missing from Martha, the fun, they glee, the snark. None of that unrequited love that annoyed me with Martha.

And the comment, oh the same suit, don’t you ever change, *snort*

I am so in love with Donna, she’s not brilliant or smart, but she doesn’t let it stop her, her ideas might not work, the spanner to break the window for instance, but she keeps thinking, keeps trying.

Oh good catch, he’s such a hero, or just incredibly lucky.

Question if all the windows are deadlock sealed, how did he get it open.

Snarky comment about journalist, can you tell Dr Who gets a lot of tabloid attention.

Doctor might still be all emo, and thank god because I like emo doctor, but I like he’s showing that whole lack of social norms. And we are back to the dynamic of Donna and Doctor, I suppose it helps they know each other from the Runaway Bride, there is no need to do the whole introduction thing, they can just go straight into being a team. And there is the whole one chance Doctor, I like the darkness in him as much as the emo and the cheekyness. And he went straight from threatening, to cheekyness even with a grin.

Running out of locations to shoot I see, corridor the same as the Rachnoss’ lair. Ok, shouldn’t be that bitchy.

Shadow Proclamation, it exists, another nod back to continuity and all that. As a fan I love that stuff, love that its there without it being a big deal, new people don’t get lost but nerdy geeks like me really get a buzz.

Aww poor Doctor, his guilt over Martha, his feelings that he destroyed her life, and she’s better off without him. And Donna, and how hard it really is to live a better life when you’re alone, when you don’t have someone to help you change. She had all these good intentions but found stepping out of the rut was so hard. I’m glad it was like that, that it showed just how much the Doctor is instrumental to change, but that changing is actually hard to achieve, it takes more than wanting. Even though it shows Donna as having changed, and grown, it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t as simple as she thought it would be.

Now I shouldn’t laugh, they are little babies, but the squishing noise as the taxi ran over the Adipose just made me giggle, squished fat babies. Now I can see how everyone brought into them being evil, until you see the little one skipping, then its back to aww, so cute.

Frantic Doctor trying to save a million people, and then he can’t do it, he gets even more frantic, the whole guilt of deaths on his shoulders. The panic, the desperation and then Donna just holding the solution in front of him, and the slow smile turning into a grin. I love it, love that the Doctor might have all the answers but he also often needs help.

Love the acknowledgment that the Doctor went cold and unfeeling killing the Rachnoss children, but then, they were different, the Rachnoss would have eaten the world, these are just cute fat babies going home. “I’m waving at fat” *snicker*

And the Doctor tries to save the evil Nanny woman. He seems to have gotten a little bit of his mercy back, or maybe its just after so many deaths he doesn’t want more to happen. The Doctor to me, always had so much compassion for others, he may not give second chances, and there is a darkness in him, but he is also a man that wants to save the worlds and all their people if he can.

Donna still not aware that the Doctor isn’t sure about taking her. He tries to talk her out of it, to warn her about the risks. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t want to be fawned over or even idolised. He just wants a mate, a friend. And ok, he looks rather bewildered by Donna at times. And this is why it works, Donna isn’t a kid. Ok RTD made a slight mistake saying he liked it that Donna was older than the Doctor, after all the Doctor is over 900 years (a lot over in my opinion). With Rose, she was still a teenager, still not sure of herself, and to me there was love their between them in the end, but it started almost fatherly, and with Martha they got lost in the unrequited love. For a number of reason the relationship often seemed too one sided. Now I know its the Doctor, he’s brilliant, smart, brave, better, but what I missed from season one was how much Rose used to agrue with him, used to challenge him. I get the feelign that will be there with Donna, I see her driving him crazy at times, but she’s bolshy, she doesn’t sit back and be the gushing one. Even in this episode its her that demands to know what happened, that challenges the evil!Nanny. This companion is no wilting flower or lovesick woman. Have I said how much I love Donna

I heard Rose was coming back, but no one it seems knew she’s make an appearance in the first episode. But there’s something wrong. I can feel it. She looks so old and sad, almost damaged. There is something behind it I can feel, there is going to be some terrible heartbreak in the Rose returning to the Doctor arch and it scares me a little. Alright scares might be a bit strong. I’ve heard rumours someone dies in this season, and Rose almost looks sick. She isn’t meant to jump through dimensions, so maybe its killing her. Whatever it is, the look of Rose was just devastating, she looked old and sad, and the Doomsday music in the background. I just know they are setting me up to be devastated.

Donna’s grandfather is happy for her. The first family member of the three companions to say, go on girl, get out there, have a wonderful time, live, explore, be happy.

Next episode. Eeeee. Also the volcano day comment, see, the doctor does really love Jack *chuckle* ok again wishful thinking.

I just saw the Trailer for season four of Doctor Who and I am having a complete squeal moment. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am that much of a geek.

I think I accidentally deleted a comment from Sassy, so if I did, I’m sorry. I get hit by so much spam that I was getting rid of it all, and when I pressed the button I was like oops, too late. If you want to mark me again, please do and I’ll pay better attention… bad me. Just realised we get email notification, so was able to go off and read it. So not feeling as bad.

Therapy wasn’t as bad as we thought it would be. We do this, get a notion in our head, its just an idea but then it becomes a fact and we can’t believe anything other than that notion will happen. It gets to when we are rather obsessed with believing it. So anyway, he had no intention of cancelling therapy, it just happened that on the Wednesday I sent the email someone with the 4:30 appointment decided they had reached a point where they were ready to leave therapy.

So we went over the email I sent him that I thought was all whiney and he didn’t. That’ s par for the course really, and we struggled to acknowledge that we need a space to be the traumatised self. It’s not something we want to be all the time, but so much of our life now is being all normal and healthy and doing what is needed. We like that, we want that, but we also need a space where the damage can be. It takes the pressure off having to keep that all hidden. I think Sean got what we were trying to say, and he didn’t tell us we were playing the Victim so maybe that’s a good thing.

He also told us group was starting next week and he’d signed us up. I don’t know how I feel about that, because the last group was extremely challenging and triggering for us. But we took good things from it, well actually not from the group itself but our ability to deal with it. Also because we hadn’t been to therapy for so long we really didn’t get a good chance to talk it over with Sean, and won’t until after it starts, since its Tuesday night the day before our next therapy. I’m still very ambivalent about it, I joked to a friend I’ll probably make the final decision 30 minutes before group starts because that’s when I’ll have to get to the bus if I’m going to go.

I had to skip class today because I couldn’t find the extra 10 cents I needed for the bus. How pathetic is that, 10 cents. Of course now that I think about it probably good I couldn’t because I just realised that if I did, then I would have found myself in town with no way to get home and that would have been a major panic attack right there.

So we see Sean tomorrow after about a month without therapy and we’re very nervous about it. Not just that we are worried that our fears are right and he’ll end up saying he doesn’t want to see me anymore, but also having to talk about the stuff we tried to bury (unsuccessfully) these last couple of months. We have class first, and then will have to walk from school down to see him, so it’s going to be quite a nerve wracking day. He’s in new offices, which are in a much better place, but I hate his office, it’s too small and too close to the waiting room. It’s been taking a while to get use to the change; we still don’t handle change that well.

My mother is back from her visit to my brother. She did her usual thing, my brother’s word is god, and I know nothing. It was silly, I mean it was simply over a Dan Brown book. According to my brother Angels and Demons is far better than the DaVinci Code. Now I don’t agree, I enjoyed them both, but to me the Da Vinci Code was the better book. I read it before all the hype, and really enjoyed the themes in it. It wasn’t that my brother’s opinion was different than mine, I’m sure there are people that agree, but rather when I gave mine my mother completely dismissed it since my brother told her something different. At first it really brushed me up the wrong way, I made some slightly sarky comment about it, which she either wasn’t listening to or ignored. Then I just put it aside, I mean this is my mother, she’s always going to be that way. She won’t read the Da Vinci Code because my brother said it wasn’t that good, and well, one never disputes him. It’s something she does all the time, it’s her way of reinforcing my place in the family and I suppose it’s up to me to not allow her to do that.

I know she’s annoyed with me for not asking about her holiday, but since there’s a rule now that we simply don’t want to know anything about my brother, that we’ve effectively removed him from our life, there was really no way to ask without giving her the opening. And well, that would just be asking for trouble. She doesn’t get it, she won’t believe we can stand for ourselves and stay hold of our principles. Which again, isn’t that surprising since for years we’ve always been so scared and backed down from her, given in to try to keep her happy. It’s like the whole rule about never going back to visit her unless we have our own transport. It doesn’t matter how much we tell her that she still expects us to back down. Oh the joys of having a controlling mother. Our thoughts have been tainted a lot lately with family issues, having been brought up by feelings about our father. The thing is of course, can’t think about those issues with him without connecting them with our mother. And I noticed as I write this how much we are avoiding the word “abuse” now that’s not a good sign.

We’ve been thinking a bit about putting our fanfic up on this journal, putting it in separate pages so that friends that might come back to read the journal could read it too, but so terribly nervous about that. We were posting them on livejournal for a while, but have stopped that. Well sort of stopped, been putting it somewhere else where only a couple of people can read it. I love writing, sometimes I think I might even be not a bad writer, but mostly I just fear anyone that reads it will laugh and call it crap. It’s only really fanfic we are writing, especially now we are back to our Doctor Who and Torchwood obsession. We don’t have a beta (editor) which would probably make the writing better, but it’s so hard to even consider someone helping that way. Still, there is this little part of me that wonders what it would be like to share it more publicly, to get feedback and encouragement.

Ok, with all that said and done, I need to go and cook my dinner. Well actually need to go check to see if the pork is burning.

So I haven’t been journalling very much, probably because tehre doesn’t seem a lot going on. Which is probably not really true, but rather hwat is going on seems somehow less important, less talkative. I mean does anyone read this, or will they read this since I haven’t really posted in ages. Still I’ve been thinking about journaling again, so maybe I’ll get back into the rhythmn of it.

I’m back at school, really finding it hard to stay motivated. School is really hard, I’m doing 300 level sociology for credit towards my post-grad diploma so I can get into Masters. I’m really worried I’m not going to get into the programme due to a number of fails. There’s still a way around all this, but its up in the air. And the paper I’m doing is really challenging, I like it, but it’s a lot of work and I’m not sure I’m intelligent enough. Or have enough back knowledge.

I haven’t been to therapy in ages. When school started I was scheduled for class the same time therapy, so I sent Sean a message. Since then he hasn’t been able to find a slot for me. Last week we had a little meltdown and I wrote him an email. The same day he arranged an appointment for me next week. I have a feeling it only happened because of our explosion. So the plan is to ask him directly next week if he wants to stop seeing us. We need to know. Not sure how we’ll handle it if he does, but I’m sure we’ll cope somehow.

I need to acknowledge right now, that we have turned into a huge Whovian geek. Ok was always a bit of one once upon a time, but with the New Who, and Torchwood, we have become slightly obsessed. It is now our fandom of choice. I have series two and three of Dr Who on DVD, and will buy series one soon. I’m eagerly waiting for New Zealand to get the rights to Torchwood so I can buy those DVD’s, for now I’m relying on downloading episodes. Seriously, Russell T. Davies is a god.

So this is basically my update, and I am hoping that I will write more from now on.

Ok another couple of days, and I’m trying to think of something worth journalling about. I’m sorry we made you worry Campbell, we weren’t dead, just terribly lost in isolation. We fell into it and found it nearly impossible to pull ourselves out. There is something comforting in the normality of hiding away from the world. Of course its not that healthy, but old habits are hard to break.

Ok so we’ve just gotten back from group and emotionally I am tense and angry. The woman I spoke about in the other entry that doesn’t like me spent about an hour blaming me, calling me disrespectful and attacking me. One of the therapists tried to get her to see it wasn’t about me, but about her, but that just was like beating their head against a brick wall. She called me dangerous. See, second group I freaked myself out, and almost got up and left the group. What it looked like from the outside was basically a very abrupt violent movement. I didn’t leave the chair but yeah I can see for people that didn’t know me it might have looked scary. At the time I apologised, said it was about my old habits to run when I was scared and made a promise to the group that I would do everything I could not to do it anymore. Now, 12 groups later this woman is still calling me dangerous and scary because of it. I pointed out to her that yes, I panicked that one group, and shouldn’t have responded like that, but the fact is since then I have faced things, and not reacted that way, so maybe she should get over it. That didn’t go down well. One of the therapists brought up that more people in the group were probably scared of her rather than of me. Another group member spoke up about how the whole thing was effecting her, and well, she became one of the bad people as well. Basically this woman decided we conspire against her all the time and set out to make her feel small. She said I don’t do any work in the group, that I play the victim and am damaging her recovery.

There were things I could have said, probably things I should have said. But I made a rational decision to not confront her. I do believe there are some times when it is easier, when it is simply more healthy to not get into a fight with someone. Especially someone I do not feel will be able to hear anything but her own rage and issues. She didn’t take if from the professionals, raising her voice and getting angry at them, she won’t take it from me when she sees everything as my fault anyway. The fact is, I do feel I have done some major work in that group. I talk more than a lot of people, I work through some majorly big issues. I sometimes can even feel proud. I don’t like the woman, I don’t like the box she’s put me in. I don’t believe in the box she’s put me in. I understand that that box is about her need to have someone in it, it’s a projection of her own stuff. It’s just hard for it to be me that has to be her victim in all this. I’m angry and hurt, and feel very attacked and not sure how I will deal with that. I try to tell myself all these messages about it being about her shit, about me knowing myself better, knowing myself enough not to get caught up in her shit. I never liked her, I feel she’s attacked me from the first group. So I shouldn’t let it get to me now. But fuck it still does, and now I have to go to group next week and face her knowing she believes me to be a small useless victim who is mean and cruel and disrespectful. Two more groups, I remind myself and then I won’t have to deal with her again. I just need to let her shit go. It’s just not as easy as it sounds.

Ok, not like anyone will probably be reading this, because I haven’t updated in about 8 months, but those that notice, yes, surprise surprise I’m actually putting up a journal entry. Shocking beyond shocking isn’t it? So I’ll full in what has been happening.

School. I had an interesting year really. First semester I almost failed a paper. I went into the exam with a very low mark. Basically the main assignment I managed to miss a huge and very important segment. So I was under a lot of pressure to do well in the exam. I must have because I came out with a B grade for the paper. Now I’m not happy with getting B’s, but at the same time all things considered I was amazed at how well I did. I got my “mini-thesis” done and in. With appendices it was about 17 000 words. It’s damn scary. I need to get a good grade for this if I even stand a chance to get into Masters. I won’t know until I get the grades back. What I’m holding onto is my supervisor who read what I have wrote still thinks I should go for Masters, so if it was total crap she wouldn’t be saying that. On the bad note, I dropped out of a paper but forgot to do the withdraw thing. So with this one, and a couple from last year when I was dealing with Dad dying, I’ve got a few fails on my transcript. This is not going to look good when I apply for Masters. So I might have managed to shoot myself in the foot over that. Seems sabotaging achievement is still a major issue for us.

Relationships Ok David. Well it seems I’ve broken up with him. I say seems because he simply dropped out of my life and I have no idea why. He was talking to moving to Blenheim for work, and we were talking about moving up there with him. He went up to look around and I told him to call me when he got back to let me know how it went. Now, some 7 months later I still haven’t heard from him. The thing about this that pisses me off is what is it with people that can’t give someone the respect of saying, sorry it’s not working I’m moving on. Actually what pisses me off the most in all this is all the bdsm toys I had were at his place and although I’ve emailed him to ask for them back, I’ve never heard anything from him. There was a lot of stuff there and a few of them actually had some emotional connections to them, memories attached to getting them. Also it was a lot of money to get them all. It’s not like I have anyone new in my life, but that’s not the issue.

Breaking up with David, I don’t know, it didn’t really rock me. I remember when Chris said he’d not be with me anymore it really hurt. I was a mess for a few days. But with David, it felt more like resignation. I think there was always a part of me that knew it wouldn’t last. Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted it to, I still cared a lot about him, even loved him. But when it all stopped it just felt, I don’t know, inevitable. Also I think there were a few things that in the long term might have become issues. I will always be grateful that he supported and loved me through my father’s death, and that for awhile there he treated me like a wonderful partner. I have happy memories that I will cherish. But in all things I still don’t feel devastated by the break up.

Therapy I’m coming to the end of a period of group therapy. It’s been an interesting experience. Both good and bad. On the bad side, there is a woman in the group that really angers me, and I think the feeling is mutual. She doesn’t like me, I don’t like her. Second group she attacked me because I disclosed I was multiple. I nearly stopped coming to the group because of, and because of how Sean responded to it. I felt like I was dealing with my mother all over again. And that is never a good feeling. I do think though that was part of the reason I kept going back. Since then she’s taking snips at me, calling me a victim often. I hate her, I really do. Last group Sean had convinced me to disclose my abuse history to the group. It was very scary to do so. I felt like I was breaking every rule in my head and I’m trying to deal with that. Her feedback to me was I anger her and I drain her. It really didn’t help. I know she has a right to those feelings, but I felt attacked for speaking up, which brought into all the pain and messages about not disclosing, but it being bad and wrong and selfish of me to speak up about my own pain.

On the good, or at least better side of the whole group thing, being there has helped me deal more with some of the rules in my head. I speak up, I share and respond to others, I push myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve actually become rather friendly with one woman, she drives me home from group, and like another one. It’s been really weird to be part of a group but its getting better.

Writing I’ve decided to take a big risk in my life and share my writing with people. I’ve always written. I love writing, but usually I just delete everything I’ve written. I have major esteem issues around my writing. No matter how much I love doing it I always have feelings of shame attached to it. Basically I think its crap and people would laugh at me and all sorts of other wrong and horrible things. Then a friend asked me to write a piece of fan-fiction for her and I did and well she loved it. I started to write more and post them in a livejournal account. That was going to be it, just sharing with a couple of friends. However I was reading a journal of an online writer who I really respect for her writing skills and she was doing an October-Fest for writing and asking people to sign up. I commented I would love to except my writing was so incredibly bad. She read a couple of pieces in the livejournal and encouraged me to join up. After a lot of panicking I actually did, and then panicked a lot afterwards. I ended up posting a number of drabbles in the month and one longer fic. I got really nice feedback. It scared me shitless, but I am so glad I did it.

I’ve never had anyone read any fiction I wrote since HighSchool. When I did there I got positive feedback from a family friend which resulted in major beatings from my mother for being too proud and conceited. Since then I’ve been scared about sharing. So the fact that I posted them online, in a forum that allowed people to comment was a big deal. I did expect laughter, I expected people to tell me I was crap at writing and shouldn’t post anything more. I expected ridicule. I didn’t get any of that. I got both supportive comments and constructive criticisms. It turned out to be an amazing experience for me, even with all the fears associated with it. I’m going to keep writing, keep trying to improve my skills. I remember a lecturer at teachers college saying that writing is like any art form, you have to practise it. You should write something every day, even if it isn’t good. I’m going to try that. Not sure how much I’ll post publicly, and for now its just fanfic, but it’s a start of something that makes me feel good. I am close to considering myself a writer.

Ok, I know probably more than this happened over the eight months, but for now I can’t think of anything important to say. I am going to try to get back to journaling regularly. Hopefully.

We were out doing the laundry. One of us decided we needed to keep up appearances of being normal and together even though its so fucking obvious we aren’t. hell I mean we couldn’t even manage to go to the supermarket today. We got half a block from home and panicked so much we couldn’t even turn around and come home. We had to stand there doing deep breathing and self talk and all the other bullshit we could remember just to be able to get everyone calm enough to turn around and come home. So yeah, we’re fine really. And I am finding it rather hard to talk about all this right now without individualising us. I know there are issues about identifying ourselves right now, but you know we sat last night and bitched amongst ourselves that no one in our life treats us like we are multiple and even multiple friends approach us as if we are one person. (Hey, maybe that means that have worked out we are faking *chuckler*) We don’t let other people get to know us individually and yet we are upset when they treat us like one conglomeration, so yes I see the contradiction there, and how difficult it is for other people. But in saying that, I do also think there’s a number of people that even if the body changed, or we had a neon flashing sign above our head they would continue with their approach to us.

So where was I, oh yes the laundry. She’s out there hanging out the laundry, hoping that if “they” see she can be all normal, that she can keep the house clean and maintain appropriate behaviour that somehow “they” will let everything be ok forever. Yes I know it makes no sense, and even she doesn’t know who “they” are, but that’s how her thinking seems to work. She never manages though, especially on the tidying part, since the rest of us are such lazy dirty bastards, but still she keeps trying. So there she is out in the sun, hanging up laundry and hoping no one comes near her because even though she wants to me normal she is also consumed with terror being around other people. But it wasn’t’ a day were she had to deal with that. Instead it was a day where the other person out trying to enjoy the sun kept hallucinating and we couldn’t seem to calm her. Every time the hand stretched up to the clothes line the image hit her like a wave, a metal spike driven through flesh, searing pain and thick dark blood running down pale skin. She should have left then she should have gone home where the images might not have followed, or there could have been help and solace for her. But like most of us when we are triggered like that we get rooted to this world, stuck in the feelings and the moment and stuck alongside that in the body. The girl hanging out the washing continued to do so. She was aware of the crying behind her, of the frantic conversations, but she remained calm pegging clean clothes out to dry because that dear people is what we do, we must always appear calm no matter what is happening.

We are feeling so completely alone. We have spent most of the morning wandering around the places we go online, trying to think about talking, to share, maybe not our strife right now, but just our lives. And the thing we have found is we don’t feel like we belong to any of them. We do we stay places, because at least being able to read other people’s thoughts, opinions and journeys we feel we are part of the world, an observer rather than a resident. We can participate of course, but this always brings with it the feeling of participation from the outside. And again we don’t’ really feel this is anyone’s fault. It is hard to feel like you belong when you don’t join into things regularly, and just because I am in a group with another group of people that isn’t any guarantee that there is any type of relationship there. Recently we asked someone if they would “friend” us on their livejournal journal. Which basically means giving me access to read what they write. You know that was a big deal for us to ask, but that’s a different topic. So anyway, this group friends us, and we start reading what they have to say, we find their ideas and words very interesting. So anyway a couple of days later we go back to their journal and find that they have changed their minds and unfriended us. Yes at first we were deeply hurt, we thought it meant the world had found out what a bad evil people we are, yes we can be so overdramatic at times. And now after some time has passed. Sure it’s still a little disappointing not to be given access, but the thing is that group of people hardly know us and might feel weird about strangers rummaging around in their journal. They also might know us a little and think we are compete nutters. Or to put it more politely, disagree with many of our beliefs, opinions and politics. The point is I suppose, I belong to a number of online communities and email lists (far less than we used to) and I don’t think I have any actual friends on any of them. I have people I talk to, I have people by the nature of reading the same list, that I share things with, there are even a few people that I continue talking with offlist, but they are few. I know my definition of friend is probably narrower than a lot of people. And I know this is not the time for me to be “counting” friends as my outlook on such things is very bleak. But even when times are less fraught my list of friends is pretty small. It’s one of the reasons I have never worried about securing this journal, because aside from the spammers the readership is extremely low.

God I am getting distracted all over the place today, and its not like I can even blame other people for taking over. So where was I? Oh yeah the feeling of being completely alone, isolated and a fucked up mess. Ha, no wonder I distracted myself, that’s hardly cheery reading. It’s a beautiful day here today, the sun is shining, and I have so much I should be doing. I have to get stuck into my study, someone wants to make Curry for dinner but instead we all just sit here and feel weighed down and alone. We get triggered by the heat, we berate ourselves for not being able to hold it together and we look for someone to help although we know there is no one there, no one to rush to and curl up and say we can’t do this anymore. We need a time out, we need to the world to stop spinning long enough to allow us all to catch our breath. But there isn’t anyone to go to, there isn’t anyone that gets it, or is psychic enough to get what it is we need in return. And no it isn’t just that we need to tell people want we need because although we know what that it it isn’t a knowledge that we can yet put words on. Sometimes there is a feeling of what isn’t right, what doesn’t sit right with us. But now isn’t the time to trust that I don’t think, because nothing sits right, everything catches like a cracked fingernail. I know when I am like that, when things get to me. There are a lot of things I have come to realise are never going to change, nothing I can say or do will make any real difference so its better to just let them go, to leave them lying there and move on. One of those things has been that CRA is ritual abuse, that there is a difference between what happened to us and being told you are going to go to hell because you were bad. Now I am not saying the latter isn’t hurtful, I am just tired of people equating it as the same thing.

And yes this could get me into a major rant about something we usually work so hard not to say because we are terrified it sounds “dick-sizing” and we don’t’ want to do that, we don’t want to be one of those people, but you know, to be honest it’s there, at the back of my mind wanting voice. Maybe I should write it one day and put it somewhere totally private, therefore it can be dick-sizing without anyone knowing. God I am so pathetic.

Ok enough of this shit, I’m posting this so you can go and make that curry, or again we will end up having toast for dinner.

Last night was fun. We had a craving for KFC nuggets with ranch dressing and eventually it got too much for us and we walked down to the KFC. After we ordered and paid the woman gave us the nuggets without any dipping sauce so we had to ask for it only to find they were out of ranch dressing. Horror and shame, I mean it was the only reason we walked down to the store anyway, but still, we ended up crying all the way home. How shameful is that? Things only got worse and by the time I had finished eating I was actually terribly suicidal. I mentioned to a friend it was a shame I had no way to get out to my cliff edge. She texted back asking if there were no buses and we were in the process of saying there was a bus to town but we would have to walk the rest of the way when someone here realised we weren’t thinking clearly, yes the bus only ran into town but there was another bus from town out to the beach. So we packed up, put on warm clothes and dashed off to catch the first bus. We were still pretty intent on going through with it when we arrived, but the area where the cliff is is also a popular make out spot. So when I climbed over the fence that leads to the edge a guy from nearby car came out and talked to me, whilst his girlfriend rang the police. Short version, I managed to convince the police that I didn’t need to be in hospital or talk to anyone down there and they drove me home.

I’m not even sure what was behind the trip. We have been struggling for a while, but managing that struggle. Last night we simply stopped managing. I know one of the reasons this year Easter is kicking our butts more than usual is the total lack of people to talk about it with. Sean has never really dealt with this area of our abuse, and we suspect he struggles to believe it. This has always been ok with us, we see him to deal with the family abuse, and use what we learn there to recover in other areas of our life. And until this year we have had Bob to release some of this Easter stuff onto. We could talk to him quite openly about it all, well openly for us, and he was always able to listen and be supportive. That is until he wasn’t and left us. We managed that quite well I think, yes, we bitched to a few people about it but in general we just got on with things. But this is the first major event that we always relied on him for and it’s hard to do it on our own. Its not that we are upset that Bob isn’t here, its more what he gave us that no one else has been able to. We are struggling without someone to talk to, rather than without him to talk to.

Last night we thought of emailing Sean to say we weren’t coping. But last time we tried to tell him that he wanted to know what had set it off. We don’t want to talk to him about that group stuff, so we struggle to answer the question. Yes this is around the time of my Mother’s birthday and there are some terrible memories associated with that, and also it is a year since we found out Dad was sick and there are still a lot of unresolved issues about him. Those things are making it hard, but they are additions, they are on top of the main one, extra joys to struggle with. The main reason is that unspoken one, the one of crucifixions and pain and suffering, of demon bunnies and chocolate, of rape and torture and the sins of all mankind. But we don’t talk to him about that so its hard to talk to him about anything.